Birthday Planning

Chico will be 9 this Friday! I can't believe it, but it's true. He's requested a Cat in the Hat cake again, and I'm taking the day off of work to spend with him. To add to the excitement, the Grands and my sister are in town.

We're not having a traditional party this year. I asked C for his input, and he said he'd rather not have 'the kids', as we collectively refer to the six young children of my nieces, come over for a party. They are noisy, and nosy, and in every way just your average five-and-under set, but it's overwhelming for him, and I respect that. So we are going to have a cake and candles at home, and then take him bowling, per his request.

Saturday, I think we'll take in a movie; he's wanting to see the Three Stooges film, although I still have to vet it to make sure it's something we want him to see. Here's my favorite source for movie reviews, by the way: PluggedIn.com. If we decide against the Stooges, I'm sure we can find something else to watch.

Q is wanting to get the garage floor finished this weekend too. I told him I'm willing to help on Sunday, but I'd like to dedicate Friday and Saturday to Chico. The boy has been so patient the last couple of weekends for our marathon paint jobs. I think he's earned a couple of days of pure fun.

What This Weight Is Hiding

Anger, so much of it. Anger at being kept naive, silent, compliant. Anger at not knowing I was important, and that I could say no. Anger at never hearing "I'm sorry", at moving through life with a gaping hole in my chest. Anger at being unseen.

Fear, a good deal of. Fear of exposing old wounds, of difficult conversations, of changes that might come. Fear of choosing on my own, for once, and not just letting life happen around me. Fear of making the wrong choice.

 Loss, of innocence, of childhood, of things that could have been. Loss of relationships, self-awareness, confidence, passion. Loss of the person I might have been, if only.

I hate these things. I want to rip them out, throw them far away from me. I wish they'd never been at all. They've consumed so much of my life; entire weeks, entire months, entire years... all lost to me now. So why am I protecting them??

Just a List

Working On: School Planning

Drinking: Freshly ground coffee with a healthy dose of half and half

Listening To: Jaci Velasquez - Diamond

Praying For: Clarity, Patience, a Miracle

Planning On: Working out tonight, and going for a walk with the boy. Calling sister M if there's time.

Wishing That: I could meet my sister for dinner. Alas, she lives 12 hours away from me.

Thankful for: Grace and Hope

I Was Thinking

About what it means to be a mother, and how much of ones self can be absorbed in the process.

About how to reclaim the bits of myself I've let vanish in the last eight years, and when I might have time to do that.

About distance, and convenience, and the tradeoff of leaving the town I hated for the place I love, and those I love for the loneliness of living so far away.

About what it means to love someone, and be disappointed by them, and whether it's best to hold on or let go.

About the lessons I teach by example, and what my son is learning about sacrifice, self-worth, and happiness.

About how I wish I could go back to that sweet girl I was, and tell her to take more time, and more distance, before she made her choice.

About whether leaving or staying is the braver path.

About how, as always I have so many more questions than answers.

TYM: April Challenge

I'm following Jamie's Year of Motherhood over at dreamingbigdreams. She has the most fabulous challenge for the month of March: focusing on family nights. We do stuff as a family together all the time, but it's errands, meals out, movies either at home or the cinema... we have a handful of activities that we repeat over and over again. Her challenge lies in getting out of the dinner and a movie rut.
With that, I'm brainstorming some fun ideas for family time in April. So far I have:

• Flashlight / Glowstick Walk
• Campfire Dinner
• Water Balloon Battle
• Photo Safari

I'll keep adding to this list as ideas come to me.  I can't wait for April!

What Keeps Me Up at Night

Chico's doing so much better than he was a year ago.

He's engaged, and fun, and calmer. He can have a conversation now, a real one, not just snippets of movie dialogue. He still echoes a lot, but he uses his own words too.

I'm so proud of how far he's come.

But I worry. There are literally no services for autistic people in our area, outside of the public school system. We tried that, and they destroyed our trust. I have spent hours on the phone, running into wall after wall. So now, we limp along on our own.

I wonder sometimes, should I be driving him an hour away to SLC for services? Should we bankrupt ourselves to pay for them, since our insurance covers exactly $0.00 for treatment? I've been so adamant about his right to a childhood, to avoid making his entire life about therapies designed to make him into something other than who he is... but am I wrong?

The responsibility for him... academics, social skills, self-care, spiritual; they all rest squarely on my shoulders. Q supports me, but he doesn't take one ounce of their weight off of me. I'm exhausted.

When things are going well, I can remind myself that God meant for me to mother this child, and I am capable. I look at the progress he's made with me as his teacher vs. his time in regular school, and there's no denying which is the best for him. I can look at his skills and know they are stronger than they were. I tell myself I can do this, for however long it takes, forever if need be.

Then the dark falls, and I'm so tired, and there are still a million things to do, and the worry comes back again.

A Few Sentences on a Sunday

Q is gone off of a rescue today. I hope things go well and I hope he's back soon. I'm also about 10% evil because as soon as he left I started plotting about 'my stuff' that I could do while he's gone braving the snow and muck on the mountain.

C is feeling unwell again. I'm so glad we have meds to manage his CAH, but I hate these side effects. I'm thakful he's able to eat enough to sustain himself, but I hate that Autism limits his diet to the degree that it causes him suffering.

I just typed in my blog address, missed one little letter, and was taken to some extremist bible hooey. I wonder how may people do that on their way to visit me and think I've turned into some kind of weirdo.

I miss my brother. I'm going to bake some cookies today and drop by his house for a visit.

A tip for life: Never, ever let your husband feed the dog leftover Little C's Pizza. The next day she will have horrid gas, and you will curse being born with a functioning sense of smell.